On forgiveness...of oneself

Hello there! It’s been a minute. Happy almost February! This is by far the shortest January I’ve ever experienced.  I guess it’s because it’s been a super busy month, and I barely noticed time fly by.

Anyhow, this is a “just in the nick of time” post. Struggled a lot to not NOT write, and I’m glad you’re reading this 😊

From the cover image, you probably guessed that we’re talking about anime today. Well, yes and no. The anime is the launching pad, while the meat of the matter is something else, though not unrelated to the anime. 

But first, gist. I’d never considered myself an anime stan. I watch it once in a while. And for the longest time, if you asked me my favourite kind of anime, I’d say action-adventure shounen and action-adventure seinen, and please get all that slice of life and drama behind me! My husband tried, of course. He loves a good slice of life, but I could never get through his recommendations. And then he stopped recommending. 

Then on New Year’s eve, 2022, I picked up an old recommendation titled  “Koe no Katachi”.  A Silent Voice, in English.

“Is it sad?” I asked my husband. “Not sad sad”, he replied. And he was right. It wasn’t sad sad, but it was heavy.

Now, this is not a review of “A Silent Voice”, though I would definitely recommend it. It’s an absolutely visually stunning film, not a series, so you don’t have to worry about investing too many hours into it. But the film got me thinking and inspired this post.

But first, the synopsis:

The most apparent plot point of The Silent Voice is bullying and its effects - not just on the victim but on the perpetrator(s) as well. The wounds are deep, and they scarcely heal. Our main characters have been through it, and while Shouka (bully victim) blames herself for being an inconvenience to others, Shouya (bully) punishes himself for being a horrible child (there was this scene where he ripped out her hearing aid so roughly she bled). Yikes!

On Forgiveness

Ever heard of “forgiving oneself”? To paint a picture, you hurt someone or sin against God, but then you’re sorry about what you have done and seek forgiveness from God and man. John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” And the human you hurt?  They could say, “Oh yeah, it sucks that you did this. It really hurt me, but I forgive you”.  All’s well that ends well, right? RIGHT? But somehow, you are still wracked with guilt. Hunched over with a load of care that is your condemnation for yourself. Some welcome this. Oh, it’s penance! A personal jail sentence. I’ve personally been there, and you probably have been too.

But the Lord helped me I recognise it for what it really was - pride.

I know, I know, when you think of pride, the first thing that comes to mind is ten shoulder pads on each shoulder, a walking stick, a handlebar moustache, a pocket watch and a monocle. No? Just me? Okay. 

Uncle Merriam-Webster defines pride as “too high an opinion of one's own ability or worth: a feeling of being better than others. : a reasonable and justifiable sense of one's own worth”. And you might think,  “Pfft! I’m too busy feeling bad and punishing myself for what I’ve done to think I’m better than anyone. If anything, shouldn’t my suffering be seen as humility?”

“For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10 ESV). From this verse, we can see there are two types of grief or sorrow for our wrongs. One is godly and leads to repentance, while the other is really just self-punishment in disguise and doesn’t take you anywhere except farther from God. 

We punish ourselves because we think we are adequate. You think, “it can’t be me”, but then you fumble, and it was suddenly you. Question:  would you spank a two-month-old baby for peeing in his diaper? What about a 6-year-old? Would you, a regular human who, like me, can probably only deadlift 5kg of rice, berate yourself for not being able to hang off an overhead bar for 5 minutes? But do you know who would? A callisthenics athlete and their ilk.

Somehow, we think we’re good on our own. We’re better on our own, so we blame ourselves for not meeting our expectations of “goodness”. If God can and has forgiven you, who are you to hold on to your sins?

A couple of months ago in Sunday School, we learned about the attributes of the saints, and forgiveness was one of those characters. The topic of forgiving oneself came up, and something we all agreed on is that the need to forgive yourself and self-punishment is like telling God that “No, God. I do this one sha. Let me pay for my sins. You’ve forgiven me, yes, but  I’m not done punishing myself”.

I was a naughty teenager, and I often got in trouble with my mom, who is a no-nonsense woman that never spared the rod. She’d punish me. Then she’d say “Come and eat”. You see, that’s how I knew the punishment was over. But then I would shake my head morosely and say, “I’m not hungry”, and plod to my room to endure the long night with hunger pangs for company, because I knew I’d messed up. I shouldn’t have burned the carpet just to see how it’d burn. I shouldn’t have burned it, period. So I chose to continue to suffer until I was satisfied. But do you know what happened afterwards? After some time, I “accidentally”  set fire to the drapery because it was a different kind of material.

All my efforts…all that self-punishment, and a great big nothing.

So what do we do instead? Seek forgiveness from God and from man; if the situation warrants it, repent and rejoice. Recognise that He’s your anchor. That your strength comes from Him. We can’t do anything without Him for our ability comes from He who saved us. Not you. Never you.

On Other Matters

Of course, I wouldn't end this without a song recommendation. Here’s “Grow Slow, Grow Deep” by We Dream of Eden

Have a great February!